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Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Recognizing and Accepting Happiness



It’s easy to forget what happiness feels like. When you’ve been living with Depression for so long (over 10 years for me now), you quickly forget how it feels. When it does happen, it feels foreign. It confuses you. You actually spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what this feeling is called. And then it dawns on you. This is what it feels like to be happy.

A few months ago, I had two really awesome days in a row, and I realized how long it had been since that had happened. I tend to let myself get so caught up in day to day life - stress from work, an immune deficient dog, an immune deficient partner, wondering if we will ever be able to buy a house… I forgot what it was like to just enjoy my life. But then, for no reason at all, I felt content. I felt happy.

I think that for so long, for so very long, I didn’t feel real. I was miserable, constantly, every second of every day. I didn’t know what it was like to be happy, to be content. All I knew was pain and emptiness. I had been low for so long, I forgot what it was like to just feel “normal” (which is, of course, a very subjective term).

This realization was difficult to accept. How can someone forget what happiness feels like? Depression is how. While Depression is much more than just feeling sad, it is still (essentially) the opposite of happiness. In the worst of my Depression, I was perpetually unhappy. This went on for hours, days, weeks, months, years. It’s no wonder I forgot what happiness felt like – I was living in a world of never-ending sadness.

Now that I have come this far in my recovery (with a hell of a lot farther to go), I have finally remembered what it feels like to be happy and content. Do I feel that way all day, every day? No. But that’s ok. And I am extremely grateful to now be able to experience happiness and to recognize it when it happens.

How do you know when you're feeling happy?

Much love,
Rain
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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Depression Is Forever

Sometimes I forget just how bad it can be. How completely and utterly full of despair I can become. How out of control I can feel.
Image via Flickr by Murat Harmanlikli
It had been so long. Of course, I have never been in full remission with my Depression, but for a long while now, I had been very stable. Until recently. Until I felt that all too familiar rush of anxiety, hopelessness, and unstoppable tears.

Having just started a new job in December, I was running into some problems at work. I was stressed and worried about my future in this new role. I’m not sure if it was due to the time of year, the pressure of a new job, or the general build-up of work-related stress, but I had a meltdown. A meltdown that lasted about a week.

I didn’t sleep. I could barely eat. I had constant stomach pains and headaches. I was scared to go to work, or even leave the house. I became paranoid that I was going to get fired, and that my partner wanted to leave me. I cried at the drop of a hat. I thought my world was ending.

The logical part of me recognized that this was an episode of Depression. I had experienced it many times before, and it was just a matter of time before it ended. But as the hours dragged on, I slowly lost touch with logic. I began to think that this would last forever. I felt hopeless, ashamed, and guilty.

I tried to hide it from people at work, which was fairly easy because they don’t really know me well. I tried to hide it from my mom, but it didn’t take long for me to seek comfort from her. Worst yet, I tried to hide it from my partner. I knew that he didn’t quite have an understanding of my illness yet, how it can creep up on me with no reason or warning, and how quickly it can consume me. I thought it would just be easier to suffer in silence, and save him from the trauma of seeing me this way. Well, that didn’t work.

It wasn’t long before I could no longer contain it all. I blurted it all out – my irrational fears of losing my job and him leaving me, the fact that I hadn’t slept more than a few hours in the past three days, along with the tears that had built up behind wide, terrified eyes. He reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere, that I was simply over-thinking things. I agreed, but I didn't believe him. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity (which was really a few days), I was normal again (normal being subjective and self-defined).

This is a prime example of how Depression never really goes away. I will have this illness, this sickness, this disease, for the rest of my life. It’s easy to forget just how bad it can really be. You can go a long while without any major symptoms, but they will always come back. And it’s usually when you’re the least prepared.

My advice to you is to enjoy every moment of the good times, and to always be prepared for the bad times. I don’t mean that you should live in constant fear of your Depression, but don’t ever let yourself be ambushed by it. For some of us, Depression is forever. Don't let it fool you into thinking it's not.

Much love,
Rain


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Monday, January 5, 2015

Expressive Therapeutic Writing: 16 Tips For Beginners (Free Download)

Hello, everyone! Remember when I published a blog post about Expressive Therapeutic Writing? Remember how I said to stay tuned for even more tips on how to get started with your own writing? Well, it's finally here! I am pleased to offer a completely free list of 16 tips for beginners (and the pros) for you to download!


I hope that this list can give you the inspiration, the courage, and the confidence to begin your own writing journeys. If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions, please share them in the comments section below.



Much love,
Rain
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Thank You...

In appreciation of your patience and continued support, I want to offer my wonderful readers a little something. 


I have not been able to write as often as I would like, and I know this can be irksome. I have been dabbling with some design work in the hopes of creating some promotional materials for Depression Ever After, and I want to share with you what I have created so far.
Please feel free to save these images for your own use in whatever way you wish. I simply ask that you do not alter the images in any way, and that you leave my small watermark on the bottom of the image. 


Again, I sincerely appreciate the continued patience and support from each and every one of you.

Much love,


Rain
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